“Reaching out…”

Today is my Mom’s birthday. She would have been 84.

This morning Dad calls…he sounds chipper and deceptively sharp. Asks how I am and when we will get together again. I remind him that we were together for Christmas and that we were together in Connecticut at my brother’s house on the day after Christmas. “Oh, yes,” he says, “I remember now.” I’m pretty sure that he really doesn’t.

Before I know it, he’s asking me where I am; where my house is; if he’s ever been there. He calls back several times and when I answer, he says, “Lynnie, dear?” I say, “No, Dad, it’s me…Sandy.”

Lately he’s been leaving messages. Apologizing for whatever it is that he’s done and begging to continue our love affair. He forgets that Mom has been dead for sixteen years now. I realize that he looks at me and he sees her. It must be very disorienting for him–it certainly is for me!

I really wonder what his inner world is all about. His short term memory is totally shot and his long term memory is beginning to go. He’s not sure why he is where he is–if he’s with us, he’s for sure that he will be in trouble if he doesn’t get back to the nursing home. If he’s in his room, he thinks he should be going back to North Carolina or Pennsylvania or Connecticut or Long Island.

I am continuously reminding myself not to take it personally and not to get defensive when he doesn’t remember that I’ve been there to visit. I somehow think that it will make a difference–I guess it does make a difference in the moment. When the moment’s gone, he’s lonely, forgetful, disoriented, afraid.

I think he knows it’s her birthday. I think somewhere in his body-mind, this day is sacred and there’s something that he wants to say and do…a gift he wants to give. It won’t come into his mind in an orderly way; in a way that it makes sense. All he knows is that something is missing…something he loves; something he needs; something familiar; something that brings wholeness; that sharpens his focus. He reaches out and I don’t really know how to reach back.

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