Last night–wakeful. Finally out of bed at 1:30 am. Ate an apple and read Jane Hirshfield poems until it seemed like I should be able to sleep. My mind spinning and reeling with its own myriad forms of non-acceptance. This is not the experience that I am supposed to be having right now in my life.
Everything that I “know” and “practice” parades through my consciousness. I must come into some form of acceptance; harmonize with what is; even extend loving-kindness toward the current circumstances…open my heart, sit meditation more, get centered, get quiet, be supportive, grow up, reach out…you get the drift. This is my great learning edge, this will persist as long as I resist, I must deploy beginner’s mind, this is an opportunity to transform karma…oh, the platitudes and the simplifications that the mind can recite in the wee hours of a sleepless morning.
TRUST
It’s like so many other things in life
to which you must say no or yes.
So you take your car to the new mechanic.
Sometimes the best thing to do is trust.
The package left with the disreputable-looking
clerk, the check gulped by the night deposit,
the envelope passed by dozens of strangers–
all show up at their intended destinations.
The theft that could have happened doesn’t.
Wind finally gets where it was going
through the snowy trees, and the river, even
when frozen, arrives at the right place.
And sometimes you sense how faithfully your life
is delivered, even though you can’t read the address.
“This is not the experience that I am supposed to be having right now in my life.”
I wonder if somehow the coming of spring isn’t connected to such feelings. I get depressed, mildly anxious, restless, stricken with wanderlust and other lusts around this time. New life out of old life isn’t coming quickly enough.
It is so hard to ” come into some form of acceptance; harmonize with what is; even extend loving-kindness toward the current circumstances…” In my 6th decade I’ve learned to recognize the symptoms, how much longer till I live fully in the remedy?
LikeLike
this is such a beautiful shot.
cool poem too
LikeLike
such a hope in ur writings. happy spring.
LikeLike